Who do You say that I am?

I've been really struggling with one relationship. I cannot do anything right with this person, and it's been... well, about as awful as you'd expect. Last night, I prayed about it and heard, "I don't see you the way she sees you."

Well, holy crap. Life feels a lot better when I remember that God sees me.

Mid-May Odds and Ends

• I finished my Spiritual Director's program! (Not done learning, just done with the program.)
• My wisdom teeth are coming out on Thursday (yikes!). This appointment has been scheduled and rescheduled since January, so I'm just glad to be getting it over with at this point.
• Mr. M and I have our fingers crossed for a yet-unbloggable possibility-- I'll let you know if it comes through!
• We worshipped with a Lutheran church on Sunday, and I really enjoyed it. A staff member said to me at the last class retreat that the ELCA might be a good fit. ("It's a lot like the Episcopal church, but softer," was actually how she put it.) At this point, I'm not sure which is scarier-- visiting new churches, or the idea of finding one that feels right.

Other than that, I'm one swamped little Admin Asst., and that's about it.

Friend Dating

The older I get, the further away from college, and the longer I've been married, the more I realize that other relationships (social and professional) are an awful lot like dating.

I remember one test very clearly from my dating days: how someone treated waiters/tresses, grocery store clerks, etc, was very important to me. Of course a guy will try to impress his date, but is he as courteous to everyone else-- especially those people in service positions who are often ignored? How does he treat friends and family? Does he still show respect to people he doesn't enjoy?

I only put this together a week or so ago, and as you might imagine, it wasn't a fun lesson to learn. With friends, this awareness isn't necessarily the weeding-out process it is with dates, but it is a helpful perspective. If someone has a short fuse with others, she'll probably lose her temper with you at some point. If an acquaintance gossips, it's best to assume you'll eventually be the topic. We keep loving each other, but forewarned is forearmed, and assuming that we'll be different from all the others almost always ends in heartbreak.

And along the same lines... it's not a bad idea to evaluate ourselves the same way. Even when we're not called out on it, our friends put up with a lot.

Tradition

I'm thinking about traditions a lot lately-- it's a subject that's coming up all over the place.

Traditions-- particularly in worship-- are important to me. Not because I want to be rigid, or because I don't value creativity, but because they immerse me in the timeless "communion of all the saints." It's mystical and sacred to me to share a rite that binds me not only to God with those present, but also to God with generations who came before. God's love and eternity somehow become cozier and more immense to me in these moments. It's part and parcel of the way that Theresa of Avila and Thomas Merton feel like kindred spirits, though they're not my contemporaries. The sacred saturated in this timelessness and transcendence for me.

When I can slow down, and breath deep yoga-breaths full of all the faith, hope, and love that precedes me, my bones themselves get goosebumps.

Dangling My Feet in the Water

I opened up Google Reader this morning, and peeked at this week's Friday Five. It's beautiful, just the sort of thing I love to think about, and my first reaction was, "Crap! This is gorgeous, and I can't give it the sort of thought that will do it justice today." Very close to my feelings about reading An Altar In the World, actually. Without a congregation (something I'm uncomfortable about), some authors are kindred spirits, a reminder of the wide communion of all the saints.

I'm crabby because I desperately want time to marinate in all of these lovely things, and to sit in God's company, alone and with others. I see people all day long, but in a busy administrative job, our time together is about the work, not about the people. There are so many places where I'm hungry to listen, so many people I encounter but can't take the time to know. It's like wanting to swim, to glide through the water and feel your hair flow out behind you, when you're only able to stick your toes in the waves. It's still nice, but it's not at all satisfying.

That's where I am.