Wednesday Prayers: For Purity of Heart

I've still got John Irving's Owen Meany on the brain.  Considering the beatitudes, he asked of the pure in heart, "BUT WILL IT HELP THEM-- TO SEE GOD?"

It's a serious question.  In the Hebrew bible, the face of God was a terrifying thing to even think about seeing.  And when Job met with God, what satisfaction really came from it?

I would love for God to make everything tidy and secure, and I simply don't for a second believe that happens in this life.  But I'd like to see God, anyway.  That's my prayer this week-- to let platitudes and easy answers slide off of me, and instead be able to see God in chaos and strife.

Wednesday Prayers: A Starting Place

Graduation is on Saturday, and I have literally no idea what my next step after that will be.

None.

There are a few possible next steps, but none of them can start immediately.  (We're talking about a year of lag time.)

My prayer today is just a simple, "What's next?"

I suspect I'm not alone in this one.

Week's End with Thanks

• I know I say this all the time, but I won the friend jackpot in a pretty extraordinary way.  (I did NOT win the friend/geography jackpot, but I can live with that.)  As I was dealing with stuff this week, loved ones were not shy about letting me know that they cared.  It really made all the difference in the world.
• My other half has been on my case about how I talk to myself, and as snarky as I can get about it:  he's right.  And moreover, I'm starting to hear it, and noticing progress.  (Slow progress.)  So again, hurrah for being loved.
• Loud 80s music doesn't cure what ails me, but it's an excellent comfort care measure.
• I get to write about my favorite book of all time, EVER, for my Christology final.  I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it.  Talking about John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany, for credit, for someone who wants me to be talking about it.  (Instead of to the scores of people who wish I'd stop talking about this damn book after 15 years...)
• Finally, the loveliness of spring, and the blossom-confetti it leaves on my car.

Wednesday Prayers: There is No Quiet Car on the Train to Crazytown

Yesterday, I told friends that I was having A Day, and they delighted me with all kind of funny, silly distractions that brightened things considerably.  Even better: they clearly knew their audience.  Few things are nicer to me than feeling known.  (Well, known and liked is good, come to think of it.)

There are situations I manage far better at 33 than I did at 13, but to tell the truth:  that doesn't make them hurt less.  This week, some of that old mess flared back up.  Loudly, and dramatically.  I can choose not to get entangled, but (despite ample appearances to the contrary), I can't effectively barricade my heart.  I want to scream and cry and throw things, but it would be useless, and it's hugely not my style.  Still, it's hard for me to accept that certain things will always hurt.  My own crazy is my belief that if I were just tough enough, if I had enough willpower and resolve, I could be impervious-- at least to old hurts (anyone can get blindsided by new stuff, of course).  It's weak and foolish to be hurt more than once by the same thing, yes?  

Sadly, no.  Stuff keeps hurting, and worse:  it's now painful AND boring.  Sometimes, there is just no acceptable solution.

And, look:  if anyone could fix things through sheer willpower, it would be me.  Can't be done, my friend.

So, my prayers this week are a mixed bag:  gratitude for the delightful people in my life, and a plea for solace in the midst of some Old Ick.  (Full disclosure:  I may also be praying for a source of Ick to get smote.)

How about your prayers?  Gratitude?  Divine assistance?  Smiting?

Wednesday Prayers: In Struggle and Disappointment

My life is pretty calm lately.  So much so, in fact, that when friends ask how things are, I'm at a loss for news.  It's quiet, and it's sure boring to talk about, but it's happy.

However, it's not a peaceful time for everyone.  One friend is touched by the sorrowful side of ministry.  Another friend is adapting to disappointing news.  One waits with hope and fear.  Another makes brave decisions, but experiences loneliness in the process.  And we're all still flinching from national tragedies.

This week, my prayers are about love.  That those who weep are comforted, and that joy will come in the morning.  It's a simple prayer, but I like to sit down and spend time picturing each precious person, melting my love for them together with God's, praying that they feel both.

Are you having a gentle week, or do kindness and tenderness feel scarce?  Let me know, and I'll hold you in that warm glow, too.

 

Week's End with Thanks

This week:

- Dave! His birthday was on Wednesday. I'm glad for him every day, but it was fun to celebrate him this week.

- Sunshine! It's colder than heck, but it's sunny, so hooray.

- A Weekend Guest! A very fun high school friend will be occupying our guest room tonight. I love having houseguests.

- Doctrine! Our tiny doctrine class is so much fun, and this week, it was exactly the balm I needed after a rough day at the hospital.

- Nuptials! My friend M is being wed TODAY!!!

- Weekend flowers! This week, I'm loving the little wild daisies.

Wednesday Prayers: Delusions of Omniscience

I have some ugly know-it-all tendencies.  Among them is the pervading frequent occasional conviction that I know what the future will bring.

I rarely assume that the future will bring puppies (I've been pleading with Dave for years now) or rainbows (although rain is always assumed).  Rather, I'm certain that whatever idiocy I've concocted will bring the sky crashing down around my ears.  This usually involves my mouth getting thirty yards ahead of my brain.  (I used to know a miniature dachshund who was hugely incontinent when overexcited.  He was the best metaphor I can give you for my speech proclivities.)

Over the summer, I started a Negative Prediction Notebook.  It looks like this:

This is partly because I buy more perfect tiny notebooks than I know what to do with, but mostly because over time, it's useful to me to see that I'm wrong a lot.  Absolutely, I say and do stupid things, but the earth doesn't start spinning in the opposite direction when that happens.  

My little book is a useful technique, but my ongoing prayer is that I need it less.  I'm praying that I grow to rest in grace a bit better than I do now.  It's important to me to have high standards, but I want to learn that I often get more than one chance to meet those standards.  Sometimes, it's better not to believe I know everything.

Are you praying to know more this week, or to "know" less?  Let me know, and I'll be praying with you.