Down the Rabbit Hole

The last week has been absolutely nutty/ridiculous. These things have happened:

- I got my first wax at a very fancy spa.
- I panicked over whether I wanted to be a priest or a mom right now.
- I visited Yale.
- I hated their seminary.
- I decided that, despite hating thiers, it is time for seminaries and not babies.
- I became completely unhinged when Mr. M hadn't finished packing on time, and realized that amidst all the recent stress, I've become an insane control freak.
- My car went to the garage for the 5th time for the same problem... and didn't get fixed.
- I lost my job. With no notice. Because the boss wanted save money.
- I got a long lecture from my spiritual director on how it's good to find positive outlets for anger. Before I started to feel angry even.
- I got scheduled to preach next month.

That's it in a nutshell. Hang on, folks.

Cold Feet or Time for Fleet Feet?

I should say from the very beginning that there are a lot of factors conspiring against me, making this a very uncertain time in my discernment. They include:

- I really want to be a mom. A good mom.
- I’m very, very worried about my transcripts.
- I’m very, very worried about funding.
- My bishop wants my seminary applications in by January. Which means I’m going to have a lot less time than expected to study for the GRE.

And most importantly

- I keep thinking, “What on earth am I doing?!”

I’ve talked to Mr. M. He’s the most supportive man on earth. He is not, however, the most forward-thinking one. Bless his heart.

I could not sleep last night. Tossed and turned, wondering where I really should go next. Finally got up and read/prayed for a while. Came to the conclusion that “Less anxious, more grateful” should be a goal for a while, and maybe that will clarify my thoughts.

Somehow yesterday I felt like if I wasn’t a mommy by… well, August would be 40 weeks… the world would come to an end. Today 31 seems like a reasonable age to hatch a little Episcopaling.