I went to the gym at lunch today. I've only just last week joined the gym-- I finally owned up to the fact that I cannot breathe well when I run outside in the winter, and I'm not wild about running in the dark. So I squished 30 minutes of hills on the treadmill into the middle of my workday, and in doing so realized how much I've missed my independance.
I don't, for the record, believe independance must be a natural casualty of marriage. Usually, Mr. M and I work out together. In a lot of ways that's very helpful (I'm not long on discipline). On the down side, I have a hard time not being frustrated because he's faster than I am, and not being distracted by his truly bizarre gait.
When I was single, I'd go for long quiet runs, and my footfalls would muffle the chaos and the noise in my life for an hour or so. I don't have the coordination to breathe hard and worry at the same time, and breathing seems like a priority to me, so running was pretty centering. I used to run on a beautiful trail near my apartment, miles of converted rail tracks. Trees, streams, waterfalls, cornfields, this was a gorgeous path. Until I started seeing police composite drawings posted at the entrance. (Reminder: I live in a small town with a very low crime rate. This can happen anywhere. Be safe.) And I stopped running alone.
In lots of little ways like that, I've lost the confidence I had when I was younger that I can take care of myself. Some of it was foolishness I'm sure, but some of it was just a peaceful trust that I was OK. I really miss that. Even though it was just 30 minutes on the treadmill, I felt like I got a little piece of it back today.
12.05.2007
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"So keep fightin' for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't you forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce. And when you get through kickin' ass and celebratin' the sheer joy of a good fight, be sure to tell those who come after how much fun it was."
-Saint Molly Ivins
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It is sad, isn't it. The loss of safety, of innocence, of independence. Glad you found a gym. I love mine and the time on the treadmill. Just breathing is rather centering. That's all I can do after awhile.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for doing what you need for yourself!
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