Lopsided

About a year ago I learned that it wasn't really my knee that was bothering me, it was my iliotibial band (a band that runs from one's hip to right above one's knee). So, I started stretching more, and being more careful about warming up before runs.

What I did NOT do was strengthen some of the surrounding stuff so that my poor IT band didn't have to work so hard. Abs and back and hamstrings and all sorts of other stuff should be strong so that nothing has to overcompensate.

And I'm pretty sure there's a broader self-care and growth lesson here-- that there are areas that we choose not to strengthen, and thereby something else gets injured. What comes to mind for me is that I'm trying to sort out some major life decisions, but I'm not in prayer as often as I was a few months ago (when it felt like a "have to" instead of a "want to").

So, I'm going to try to do some core exercises-- a little ab work, maybe try to get to yoga a little more often. And I'm going to see what I can do about my other core, too.

Kristin Armstrong just typed in a similar vein over at Runner's World. Her blog is absolutely worth reading.

All Your Children

Someone's been talking down to me for months. It's not intended to be unkind, but nonetheless, that's what it is. When I finally figured out (with the help of really loving peers) that I don't actually deserve condescension (how long will it take to really learn that?), I took the situation to God.

As I was praying, the response that I kept hearing was that we are all God's children. This was particularly striking to me, because it's my youth that I feel least confident about. I've lost track of how many times I've accepted people dismissing me because I'm young (exactly what Paul warned Timothy about). But if we're all God's children? We're ALL young in God's time(Chronos vs. Kairos-- our time and God's time). We're ALL inexperienced from God's perspective. The difference of 20 or 30 years is laughable when compared to eternity.

This response was an enormous blessing to me.

How do you use your home?

Mr. M and I are talking about moving. Our apartment has space, tolerance for the kits, and a ton of charm, but alas… dreadful, terrible, takes-months substandard maintenance. We’re going in circles on this topic because we’d love to leave the area, but it’s not quite time yet—and it feels like such a waste to make a cross-town move when you’d really like to make an out-of-town move.

At any rate, we looked at a lovely little complex on Wednesday. The leasing office employees were wonderful, the apartment itself was nice, and the neighborhood was incredibly close to work. BUT, the apartment was also a good bit smaller than our current space.

Mr. M and I went to a little deli afterwards, bought an Orangina, and discussed our options. Which pieces of furniture could we pare down? How could we arrange things so that it would all fit? If we could make things fit, would it still be a livable space?

Finally, we got to the real question: how do we use our home? What does the space need to make possible? We LOVE entertaining together—I can’t imagine our home without dinner parties and Cookie Day. And there has to be space for books (because we’re terrible people who judge those who don’t have books in their homes). And what about space for creativity? It would be so frustrating for me not to be able to sew/quilt/embroider, and for Dave not to be able to make sock creatures (or tasty naan)! (I appreciate that it’s a tremendous luxury to be choosy about a home. Our apartment is simple, but it’s more than many, many people have.)

How we use space is a striking question for me right now, because the single biggest thing I’ve been noticing as we visit new churches is the liturgical space. What was this place designed to do? It’s been a fascinating question, and no two spaces have been the same yet. A little sample of what we’ve seen:

• Quaker meeting: no altar (no sacraments!), very plain benches all facing inward in concentric squares. Nothing on the walls. Plain linoleum floor.
• A Presbyterian church with no middle pew. Is this because these Presbies stay seated for communion?
• The same Presbies have the pulpit in the center of the stage, and the altar down at the same level as the pews. Does this reflect the Presbyterian emphasis on the Word?
• A UCC sanctuary in a congregation known for being part of the Mercersburg movement (emphasis on liturgy and sacrament) whose altar is against the wall. This against-the-wall/away-from-the-wall debate has been HUGE in some Episcopal churches. Who are we addressing at the Eucharist—God or the congregation? Going with against-the-wall is always interesting to me (though not necessarily my preference).
• A new, emergent UCC that meets in another church’s fellowship hall sits in folding chairs arranged in a circle. It absolutely makes sense that this particular congregation chooses not to set one person as a focal point.
• Some congregations have one pulpit-- front and center, others have one to the side, still others have two—one for the reading of scripture, the other for preaching. I understand the two when the readings are done by a layperson, but it feels a little awkward when the pastor does both.
• Sometimes the choir is in front, other times they’re completely hidden from view in a back balcony (loft). How does the direction of the sound affect the way the congregation receives and participates in the music? I don’t know, but I’m curious.

That’s just a tiny taste of what we’ve seen. Maybe you all can share the parts of your worship space that feel significant to you? I’d love to hear about it.

Giving in to the Meme

This New Year's meme has been floating around out there, and I thought I'd give it a try. It's the first sentence from each month of blogging over the last year. (I was pleasantly surprised to find that the year wasn't as angst-filled as I thought!)

January
Dear Lord, please make my brain faster than my mouth today.

February
I've still got a couple of posts floating in my head, but for the moment I wanted to share this great story from the Washington Post about a young Catholic girl.

March
You know, I could post on something intelligent and edifying.

April
Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass is beautiful to me. God is all over it.

May
Holy heck!! That recipe makes a lot of bread!

June
OK, since I'm tooling around with my layout instead of actually writing posts, I figured I might as well let you know how I'm doing it:

July
I'm reading Robert Prichard's History of the Episcopal Church.

August
I have lived in this very Amish county for 6 years now (wow-- how did that happen?! By far the longest I've lived anywhere...), but I've been very unsure about some of the local food.

September
I've been having frustrating conversations with God lately.

October
Listen, lady: Drilling to resolve an energy crisis is like making crystal meth to solve the nation's drug problems!

November
I can be a huge weenie sometimes.

December
I'm a natural longer and hoper (despite a recent lapse).

Friday Five Beginnings and Endings

Sally offers us a deceptively simple Friday Five this week (I got a little stuck on this one!):

First list five things that you remember/ treasure from 2008. Then list five things that you are looking forward to in 2009.

Five from 2008:
1. Mr. M and I started a wonderful New Year's Day tradition of visiting a museum, spending time reflecting separately and then talking about each of our visions for the coming year. We did it yesterday, too, and it still feels like a wonderful idea. (Of course, we're nutty enough that there are also regular tuneups in this plan.)

2. Mr. M and I finally went on our honeymoon. It was a very good week-- but I've noticed that it's gotten even better in the retelling! There seems to be some myth-making going on in my house.

3. I resigned postulancy. Parts of that were sad, but more than anything else it was a tremendous relief.

4. Good friends moved closer, and so we've been able to reconnect with really wonderful people. After a few years of not having really kindred spirits nearby, it's nice to finally have these warm, good friends again.

5. I started to learn to trust myself, and to trust my own relationship with God (again).

5 for 2009:
1. I am really looking forward to finishing my spiritual direction class. I've enjoyed it, and it's a wonderful group of people, but I'm looking forward to being done.

2. I'm ready to move. I think it might just be an in-town move, but this is huge for me. It's the first time I'll have moved without having "orders!"

3. The Rev.Dr. Kate used a phrase over at Prairie Light recently, and it's been rattling around in my head ever since: "compassionate curiosity." I'd like to approach other people from this perspective, but I'd also like to use it to be gentler with myself.

4. 1 John 4:18 has been echoing through my thoughts, too: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. I've been awfully anxious/fretful/fidgety for quite a while, and I'd like to try to let love replace fear.

5. A light one-- I'm really looking forward to spending the Cherry Blossom Ten Miler weekend in DC with Mr. M!

We Interrupt The Dead Air With This Brief Message

Mr. M gave me a sewing maching for Christmas. I'm so excited I can hardly stand myself.


I had a sewing machine-- it used to be my mom's, worked perfectly well, but weighed about a thousand pounds. I really wanted to love using it, but I didn't. Because I've been teaching myself to sew, starting from scratch on a non-intuitive machine (even though it was sturdy and faithful and cool) was tricky. I started sewing by hand when I was still a single-digit, so I just avoided the behemoth and did things the slow way.


My new machine is wonderful, and I'm so excited by how easy it's been to use.


So, I made a little makeup brush pouch for a girlfriend. It's not perfect, but it's functional and it was fun to make. For a first machine project, it's not too shabby!








(Meanwhile, yes, there are other posts coming, and someday I may also reply to email, too. *sigh*)

Friday FiveI've Got My Eye On You!

Sophia gave us a fun Friday Five this week:

1. What color are your beautiful eyes? Did you inherit them from or pass them on to anyone in your family?

A college buddy once referred to them as "pond-water green." They kind of match my mom's old USMC uniforms, if that's a helpful reference. I don't know how I wound up with them-- mom's are blue, and dad's are brown!

2. What color eyes would you choose if you could change them?

I'm happy with green, but would have liked them to be more emerald than moss!

3. Do you wear glasses or contacts? What kind? Like 'em or hate 'em?

I switch back and forth between the two. It's actually time to get new frames, which I dread a little... it's hard to find a pair I like.

4. Ever had, or contemplated, laser surgery? Happy with the results?

Haven't had it, and am pretty squeamed out by the idea! I love that it works for people, though.

5. Do you like to look people in the eye, or are you more eye-shy?

I definitely look people in the eye, unless I'm really mad. Then, not so much. Fortunately, that's pretty rare.

Bonus question: Share a poem, song, or prayer that relates to eyes and seeing.

The classic, gorgeous cummings poem comes to mind:

i thank You God for most this amazing

day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth

day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any--lifted from the no

of allnothing--human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Friday Five Advent Longings

Sally is very thoughtful this week, and shares this lovely Friday Five:
"Imagine a complex, multi-cultural society that annually holds an elaborate winter festival, one that lasts not simply a few days, but several weeks. This great festival celebrates the birth of the Lord and Saviour of the world, the prince of peace, a man who is divine. People mark the festival with great abundance- feasting, drinking and gift giving....." (Richard Horsley- The Liberation of Christmas)
The passage goes on, recounting the decorations that are hung, and the songs and dances that accompany the festival, how the economy booms and philanthropic acts abound....
But this is not Christmas- this is a Roman festival in celebration of the Emperor....This is the world that Jesus was born into! The world where the early Christians would ask "Who is your Saviour the Emperor or Christ?"
And yet our shops and stores and often our lives are caught up in a world that looks very much like the one of ancient Rome, where we worship at the shrine of consumerism....
Advent on the other hand calls us into the darkness, a time of quiet preparation, a time of waiting, and re-discovering the wonder of the knowledge that God is with us. Advent's call is to simplicity and not abundance, a time when we wait for glorious light of God to come again...
Christ is with us at this time of advent, in the darkness, and Christ is coming with his light- not the light of the shopping centre, but the light of love and truth and beauty.
What do you long for this advent? What are your hopes and dreams for the future? What is your prayer today?
In the vein of simplicity I ask you to list five advent longings....

I'm a natural longer and hoper (despite a recent lapse), so the hard part for me might be limiting it to five... or it might be sharing the ones that I don't want to jinx by naming them out loud! My husband and I do this crazy thing where every New Year's Day we have a Visioning Date, and just recented we've added Planning Dates every two months to evaluate, strategize, and change course when needed. I really look forward to these, and can hardly wait for our Visioning Date this year, because it seems like there are so many possibilities in front of us. Here's a little start of my longings:

1. More closeness with the gorgeous Mr. M. He's quite lovely, and I can be a bit skittish.
2. I'd like to find a new church home.
3. I want to take time to just sit and hold hands with God more.
4. New bits of family have just gotten in touch. I'm scared, but I think I'd like to (sloooooowly) get to know them a little better.
5. Don't we all need a little mystery? ;)

Motion Sickness

In the last week:
- I've really struggled with sadness about leaving my congregation.
- Mr. M has begun to address some big issues with his family.
- I'm starting to realize how mad I am with my diocese. (And at the same time, how relieved I am to discover I wasn't the only one having huge problems with it!)
- My father's son from his first marriage (whom I have never met nor spoken to) introduced himself via email.
- Did I mention my father and I haven't spoken in years?
- A cousin on my father's side got in touch (haven't seen her in over 20 years).

And coming up this week:
- We're still going to the in-laws' house for Thanksgiving.
- Mr. M and I have decided to find a new apartment (probably moving in March).
- On Saturday, I'm having lunch with a friend from college. Really neat guy, but there are reasons to expect it to be awkward.

Life is making me a little queasy. I think the earth's revolutions are causing motion sickness.

Daydreaming as Discernment

I completely stopped daydreaming for a few years.

There was an imagination embargo.


I think I was in a strict "make the best of the situation" frame of mind, and couldn't really let myself think about alternatives. But slowly, the ice is melting, and I'm seeing my best next step as really taking time to fantasize about where I'd love to be, and how I'd love to serve. Then, it will be time to see who looks like the best fit.

Now, I'm going to go re-read Bruggemann, and maybe some Whitman and remember what a useful discernment tool imagination is.

We can insert a lot of caveats about the lurking danger of just completely going wild and out-of-control (similar arguments for the inherant danger of grace, now that I think about it), or about having unrealistic expectations, but I fall a little too clearly on the cynical tightass side of the spectrum for that to be a real concern.

Friday Five For Remembrance

This week's Friday Five (brought to us by Sophia) invites reflection on the theme of remembrance, which is also present in the feasts of All Saints, celebrated in many liturgical churches on November 1, and All Souls--known in Latino cultures as the Day of the Dead--celebrated in some the following day.

1. Did your church have any special celebrations for All Saints/All Soul's Day?

My former/current?/most recent parish reads the names of loved ones departed during communion.

2. How about Veterans' Day?

That we definitely do not do. I would be ok with it (I think), but the rector is an Englishman who is particularly conscious of holidays like these.

3. Did you and your family have a holiday for Veterans' Day/Remembrance Day? If so, how did you take advantage of the break?

Nope! Work as usual.

4. Is there a veteran in your life, living or dead, whose dedication you remember and celebrate? Or perhaps a loved one presently serving in the armed forces?

Actually, in my immediate family, November 10th is more important than Veteran's Day. It's the Marine Corps birthday! I call my mom every year to tell her "Happy Birthday!"

Story time: She spent 21 years in the USMC, and went to the birthday ball every year. Most (if not all) of the other women there were in lovely formal gowns, and she wore her uniform. So the first year that she was retired, we got all dressed up and went to the Marine Room on Nov. 10th to celebrate. (Of course, that "marine" was referring to it's location right on the beach, rather than the military, but we were OK with that.)

5. Do you have any personal rituals which help you remember and connect with loved ones who have passed on?

I really don't.

Checking In

I've been blog-reading (finally gave in to Google reader, and now I LOVE IT!), but not blog-posting much.


Things are good, though. Mr. M and I spent the weekend with marvelous friends (as seen below).

More updates later, kiddos!

I Don't Think I Have Anything Else To Add

Because everyone likes to color!

Break out the crayons, markers, or colored pencils! Tonight's a good time to color!

Do EET!

It's Election Day! In the word of Cute Overload, DO EET!

I got to my polling place at 7:05 this morning (polls opened at 7), and waited in line for about 35 minutes. But you know what? Too many people taking part in the democratic process is exactly the kind of problem I want to have!

Thanks be to God!

I can be a huge weenie sometimes. Fortunately, Mr. M has a low threshold for this.

I started "dating" new churches this Sunday. (Yes, I'm sticking with the relationship analogy.) I was more than a little terrified to start. My initial plan had been to take a few months off, worship with the Quakers (clearly a good place for discernment), and then start looking. But I met with a new friend last week, and felt like it might be OK to start exploring. I was good until Sunday morning, when I was was not at all pleased to be branching out. Mr. M bundled me up, opened my car door, and showed great forebearance when I fretted all the way to the parking lot.

Getting ready for church stunk. Going into a new church stunk.

Realizing 10 minutes in that church is church, God is God, and this denominational stuff is really not that important was fabulous.

Friday Five: Potpourri Edition

Woohoo! It's will smama doing the Friday Five this week! Here's what we've got:

As I zip around the webring it is quite clear that we are getting BUSY. "Tis the season" when clergy and laypeople alike walk the highwire from Fall programming to Christmas carrying their balancing pole with family/rest on the one side and turkey shelters/advent wreaths on the other.And so I offer this Friday Five with 5 quick hit questions... and a bonus:

1) Your work day is done and the brain is fried, what do you do?
Well, the very first thing I do is hop in the shower (washing the day off), or at least change clothes. I don't care if what I wore to work is actually more comfortable than what I change into-- I want to take the day off. Then I probably take about 20 minutes of quiet time with God before I putter downstairs to see what Mr. M has going for dinner. (Bless his wonderful heart.)

2) Your work week is done and the brain is fried (for some Friday, others Sunday afternoon), what do you do?
Sleep until at least 10 on Saturday, cuddling with the cats and Mr. M. Head out for breakfast/brunch. Maybe go for a run. Read a ton of mind candy books.

3) Like most of us, I often keep myself busy even while programs are on the tv. I stop to watch The Office and 30 Rock on Thursday nights. Do you have 'stop everything' tv programming or books or events or projects that are totally 'for you' moments?
We're (sort of) a TV-free house. We don't have cable, and we get absolutely zero reception on the standard channels. What we do have is all seven seasons of West Wing, and a good start on Scrubs. They're not "stop everything" TV, but they are well-loved.

4) When was the last time you laughed, really laughed? What was so funny?
Some wonderful college friends made me laugh pretty hard this morning on Facebook. The cats make me laugh a lot. Honestly? I'm a laugher. There's a lot that strikes me as funny. My mom's sense of humor is very similar to mine, so we laugh till we cry,which is completely unnerving to Mr. M.

5) What is a fairly common item that some people are willing to go cheap on, but you are not.
Pens. I'm a big ol' pen snob. I keep one fountain pen on my desk, and another in my purse, and I use those instead of cheapo disposables. I love nice inks.

More Dots

• I ran across an appalling fictitious letter from Focus on the Family (I found it on someone's blog, can't remember whose now. Sorry about the lack of attribution.) I can't find a link on Focus's website, nor am I seeing articles about it in the vile MSM, so I'm just assuming it's real. At any rate, it's infuriating. It reminds me again how sad I am for most Muslims that so many associate them with extremists. I certainly hate the idea of being associated with this brand of Christianity.
• Mr. M and I are having a "What's Next?" date on Friday. We don't expect to come out of it with answers, but it'll be a nice time to see if we're even asking the same questions.
• I'm thinking about seminary. Not much more to share than that, but I'm thinking about it. No idea where or how. Loving that some schools have a joint MDiv/JD plan, but cannot imagine how I'd use it. Or, you know, pay for it. ;)
• I'm still reading Gerald May's Dark Night of the Soul. It's on my reading list for class, tho I am going through the syllabus out of order. The book is wonderful, and goes on my long list of support that I'm feeling lately. Isn't it wonderful to remind outselves that people who have since been canonized really struggled? May talks about Theresa of Avila and John of the Cross, neither of whom were popular with their church. In Theresa's case, it's particularly interesting to read about her learning to trust herself.
• Carla Bruni's latest album, Comme Si De Rien N'Etait, is really lovely.

Loving the Dots

Thank heavens lovely other bloggers set the precident of bullets to keep things going. I'm joining in:

• I have felt incredibly encouraged lately-- by lovely RevGals (whom I'm thrilled to still be here with, thank you), by the church members that I'm slowly telling, by family members (who easily could have gone either way), even by some local clergy. I couldn't even begin to explain how grateful I am.
• I will be even more grateful when I can go to my first Spiritual Director's class of the year (next week). I'm chomping at the bit to be back with those classmates.
• Mr. M has been fabulous. Unfortunately, I think he's having a harder time with my resignation than I am. I'm mad sometimes, but mostly relieved. He's mad on my behalf, and doesn't have many people to talk to about it.
• I'm trying out how to untangle myself. I'm still on the roster for serving the chalice, and I'm still leading weekly evening prayer. Ack! I feel comfortable saying no, I'm just not sure what I do and don't want to say no to yet! I want to be able to worship with this parish occasionally, but I also want some Sundays (both to get a little distance, and to explore other churches). I'm trying to figure out what feels right.
• I'm a little worn out from all this discerning, and I'm having a hard time being faithful in prayer. I know I feel better when I do it (much like exercise), but starting has been hard.
• I want nothing more than to gather all my favorite people together (IRL friends and blog friends) and just play for a week or so. I'm missing people like crazy.
• I'll have lunch this week with a UCC seminary prof whom I really like. That might help in discernment, but will definitely be fun either way.

How are you all doing?

Friday FiveLocation, Location, Location

Singing Owl brings us this Friday Five:

My daughter, her husband, and their toddler, Trinity Ann, are moving from Minneapolis, Minnesota to our place. It's a long story, but the short version is that they will be loading a Ryder truck on Saturday, and on Sunday afternoon we will unload it into a storage unit in our town. They will move themselves, their two cats and their BIG dog into our place. Yes, there will be issues, but this Friday Five isn't really about that. (Prayers for jobs for them and patience for all of us are most welcome, however.) This post is about locations. My husband has lived at 64 addresses in his life so far (16 with me) and he suggested the topic since we have moving trucks on our minds.

Therefore, tell us about the five favorite places you have lived in your lifetime. What did you like? What kind of place was it? Anything special happen there?

I have a lot of choices to pick from. At last count, I've lived at at least 22 different addresses (not counting separate dorms in college). When you consider that I'm 28, and have lived in the same building for the last 6 years, that's saying something.

So, here are my top 5:

1) Bethesda, MD
I LOVED living near our nation's capital. The cost of living is high, but there is a ton of free fun stuff to do. I love the diversity, I love the public transportation (in fact, I like combining the two: listening to all the different languages spoken on the Metro). We moved there 2nd semester of my junior year of high school. I made wonderful friends, and for the very first time ever found people that I felt like I really fit in with. Oh, and did I mention how much I love all the different kinds of food?

2) Granville, OH
I went to Homecoming last weekend, and remembered how much I loved my college stomping grounds. It's a little funny to share this as part of the Friday Five, because I realized that part of the reason I love Granville so much is that my 4 years of college were the first time I'd ever lived somewhere for more than about 2 1/2 years. No kidding it feels like home! It's a charming town, the campus is beautiful, and the memories are (mostly-- the ones that don't make me cringe, anyway) wonderful.

3) Okinawa, Japan
I did not expect to enjoy Okinawa. We went for a year when I was in 8th grade, and ended up wishing we'd requested a 3-year tour. Because my mom chose an "unaccompanied" tour (1 year, and she took me at her expense), we lived out in town instead of on base. I had a lot of freedom, and really enjoyed exploring. I took the bus in town, explored tiny fun shops, and took walks down the winding streets. That year was really an adventure.

4) Oceanside, CA
We moved a lot, but we also returned to CA a lot. So, off and on, I spent more time growing up in California than anywhere else. There are a lot of things that I miss about it, things I didn't appreciate when I was there. (Yes, the food again, but not JUST the food.) It was another place where diversity and integration were the norm, rather than just a topic of dicussion (by a bunch of white people). I miss how normal it was for people to be active and outside. There were a lot of public areas-- parks and mountains and beaches. I lived in a city, but it was easy to get to open spaces.

5) Elizabethtown, PA
Here, I live in the country, and it's really difficult to be in open spaces-- because they all belong to someone else!
I'm including this mostly because it's where I met Mr. M, and because major life things have happened here. It's been horizon-broading; I've never lived in such a small town before. There are fun parts: the fair every summer, the farmers' market, the historical buildings.